Short Story I – “AI Heat & Unicorn Blood”

“The AI heat feels almost warm – that’s how it gets you. I read a book once where someone drank the blood of a unicorn – they were on the brink of death and the blood saved them, but at the terrible price of a cursed, empty life.”

“Oh my god, Barry, you’re so dramatic. It’s more like… a warmth LaCroix. It feels like someone telling you about being warm,” mused Shelly, lightly kicking a mound of gray-colored linens.

“Yeah, and that book was literally just the first Harry Potter, you idiot,” chimed Melanie from somewhere under the pile. “The world only ended ten seconds ago, we all know what you’re talking about.”

“Whatever. The bitch who wrote it was a TERF anyway,” Barry scoffed.

“True. She was a most delicious eat to rich. I mean, rich to eat,” Shelly said in a longing sort of way. The fall of capitalism did have its high points.

“We know what you mean. But do you know how to make this heat actual heat and not unicorn blood heat?”

“LaCroix heat! So much less gross!” Melanie shouted from under her mound of blankets.

What-ev-er. It’s freaking freezing in here and we’re all out of TERF,” Barry pouted.

“I’ll just call my friend down in IT, see if she can figure it out,” huffed Shelly. Barry always gave up so easily. “Hey, big G, how’s it hanging? It’s, ah, getting a little cold up in here, can we do something about that? Uh.. ok. Well no rush, I know you’re busy. Thanks.”

“What did she say?”

“I dunno fam, she was muttering to herself. Something about a huge deadline and please let there better be pie or something.”

“Ooh, is it someone’s birthday?” came an excited voice from under the pile. “What kind of pie?”

“It’s the apocalypse, dumbass. We don’t have birthdays in the apocalypse. We don’t even have days. And who the fuck has pie for their birthday?”

Before Melanie could respond, time and space stopped as the AI heat was replaced with the heat of a thousand suns, born for the first time and sprawling across galaxies.

“Oooooooh!” Shelly realized as her fractals regurgitated the essence of truth, all became wonder, and existence sprang from the fertile, holy darkness. “She said let there be light.”


Disclaimer: For legal reasons this is just a fictional story I wrote while procrastinating for finals. While I do support canceling TERFs and radically dismantling all systems of oppression, including homophobia, transphobia, and capitalism, I do not actually support eating human beings, you fucking snowflake.

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