I spent six months
Writing love poems
About my best friend
And I’m still not sure
If I’m actually gay.

So long
Cringing at every “miss” and “ma’am”
But obviously I’m just pretending
To have no gender –
No binary to rest in.

I don’t think
It’s actually doubt.

I think it is the body’s last defense
“Are you sure you’re sure?
Because this shit is hard.”

Because another trans woman was murdered today.

Because there will be jobs you won’t get.

Because there will be people
Who block your path
Just so they can be the ones
To tear you down

There is nothing
More liberating
Than putting on a dress
For the first time,

Than first time
Someone you love uses
Your correct pronouns

And nothing
More terrifying
Than realizing
How much
It will cost you.

I’m sure.
And there are still days
I wish I wasn’t.

I’m sure.
And I still wonder
How much easier it would be.

I’m sure
I want to die
In the arms of my beloved
And let her tell anyone who will listen,
“They lived unapologetically.”

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